It's just me, and my thoughts

I wish I could tell her all the things I want to say, All the things about how I love her, and she is beautiful and amazing in every way. How she made my life so stable, and without her I’m just a kid that can’t focus, has a list of medical illnesses longer then can fit on a piece of paper, a nerd, and is just generally no fun to be around. She was the main reason I could go to sleep at night and wake up with a smile on my face, the reason why I could get through anything, she was my inspiration to do the best I can, and the reason I could take anything because with her by my side I was invincible she was the only thing I needed in this world. Without her everything seems to just pile up, and with my anxiety attacks happening so frequently now its hard to get school work done, or even really be by myself.

I my scared, im alone, i feel terrible, im afraid of what is going to happen to me, i have no one, i hate where i am, and i just want to return to the home i know.

Ok, this is just me writing down how i feel and things I’ve been talking to myself about because i’m going up a fucking wall and i feel like i need to talk to someone or say or write in this case to at least get it off my chest.

I’m sick of this, its only been days and my immune system has been weakened to the point that im actually getting physically sick I feel like I need to puke almost always and I have the oddest combination of emotions. I keep having to sit there and try not to scream, cry, convulse, punch things, just break down completely, or just go out and run and not come back. I can’t even stay in my room anymore because everything reminds me of her, all the memories of times we have cuddled or sat there and talked or just the pictures she drew on my wall reminding me of how in love we once were and how she told me she loved me forever. As I lay in this bed I can feel it, I feel her slipping away, I feel her just being erased from my life. I can’t handle this  she was everything to me, my best friend, my emotional and physical support, the love of my life. While it may seem like im being overly dramatic I honestly planned on being with her forever and I found comfort in it. I hate being single but more then anything I hate not having her, i haven’t felt happy or anything above miserable in days. I’ve had 9 anxiety attacks since which include my temp spiking, a general fear that strikes every fiber of my being surpassed by that of death, and very very violent convulsions where I have struck blood. I cannot do this everything reminds me of her, every time my phone vibrates or my computer makes a fucking sound I immediately jump to the page hoping to see her messaging me just to say even hi something  anything. but all my hopes are crushed everytime and I know they will be, but i can’t help myself she is always on the forefront of every thought and I just can’t get her out of my mind. I know im getting worse as time goes on because my parent’s have been asking me every few minutes if i feel ok because i apperantly look so sickly they are thinking about taking me to a hospital. while the only real sick feeling im having is headaches and vomiting its still troublesome that i appear so sickly. i loved her… i still love her there is never a moment when i won’t and it hurts very much to know that she doesn’t love me. it crushes my soul to know that when she said she would love me forever or that i was the only guy for her wasn’t true. while to most it’s common sense that these statements are obviously just romantic things said that people usually don’t commit to, i took them seriously i really believed her when she said them. It doesn’t help that since that day she has been blowing up my facebook feed and hasn’t talked to me since and its driving me crazy as i keep coming to the thought that she could be out with someone else falling for them. that she won’t come back to me. it upsets me so deeply to think those thoughts just writing them i feel the urge to vomit. i can’t do this at all I put my heart and soul into our relationship I had no walls no defense I let myself become completely infatuated completely in love with her and everything that she did. and now she doesn’t even want to talk to me let alone be with me in any way. and writing this has elevated my feelings of sickness so i think this is the end of this post… sorry if you either A.) know me and feel like im being pathetic or a little bitch or should get over it 
B.) don’t know me and would rather not have read this or saw this on your tumblr.
C.) or just in general disliked this post 

And the pain sets in. I’ve felt this blend of pain before and it hurts just the same with the same intensity with the same unrelenting waves. I does not cease, it is a pain like no other as you long for the one who has gone. Though I think that this is one of the hardest to get through, as the person who was your supporter, your life line, the person that would get you through anything is the opposition, you have no one but yourself to rely on you must get up from a knockout punch; a killer blow without a that friend to be there encouraging you. As the initial shock sets aside the loneliness rushes in as if in a mob, shooting at the inside of the pit of  your stomach like some bad 80’s movie. As your cries for attention, longing for that heart to heart you once shared has fall on deaf ears; as you look for friends for support the same recycled messaging appears over and over ” Im here for whatever you need. Text me.” ” It’s going to hurt like hell, but it will be ok” as if that these one second reassurances makes it better, that is even if they were true. As you scroll through chat names or phone contacts coming back to the same name over and over trying to find someone, anyone to reach out to you, just to have a conversation. Alast to no avail none step up, as you are now just a lonely depressing person to talk to, that would have nothing to say as it is, and after all that’s just no fun to talk to. As you drag yourself through the days, making light of the situation saying you are ok as it feels like your stomach has been pulsed by a blender. Asking yourself what did i do wrong? what can i do to make it right? or what did i do to deserve this?

Today wasn’t as bad as days prior, I still feel completely lonely and depressed. Despite these feelings the nice weather has a way of making me feel a little better, and i’m taking on more responsibilities so my parents stop patronizing me and bringing this up. Since yesterday I have been trying my hardest not to talk to her so that way I won’t get my hopes up that maybe I could convince her to go back out with me. This is killing me, I haven’t missed a day of talking to her in the entire relationship and it breaks my heart not to text her in the morning with “Good Morning Beautiful” like every morning, it breaks my heart to sit there and not talk to her, especially when it seems that she hasn’t been really sad at all through this whole thing. But despite my best efforts of not talking to her so i won’t cry tonight, she texted me wanting to set up a day of me giving her stuff she wants back which is fine. Though there goes my plans of not crying tonight, as I really just hoped she would be texting me wanting to try to make it work again. Even despite my efforts to surround myself with friends and  have just kind of a hanging out day, I couldn’t stop thinking of her she just is always there, almost like a ghostly apparition sitting there reminding me of her. I fought back the tears and I masked my sadness and hopelessly crushed dreams with a smile and an outgoing attitude so that I would be pleasant to around. I have no clue how I am going to deal with seeing her to give her the stuff she wants, I really hope I don’t cry again.                                                                  I can feel my immune system lowering from all of this drama and stress I have a fever and a terrible headache, and I can’t tell what from; the pain of her leaving me or from being sick it just going to get worse. I have a busy day tomorrow and I hope I can just get her back, I miss her like crazy. She is the just so damn amazing I cant help but miss her and want her, my heart feels like its attached to her’s and when she left it went with it and left me a loveless husk.

Yesterday, my girlfriend of 2 years and 3 months broke up with me. since then even though it has only been 1 day, i have cried more times then i have since i was 7. I haven’t stopped thinking of her since the day we met and she invades my every thought, i have no clue what i’m going to do. I haven’t been sitting her staring at her photos, reminiscing about conversations we have made, i have been trying to live my life 1 day at a time. Every second i am reminded in her in someway or another, from how she would look at an animal i would find repulsive and find something cute in it, or the nicknames she used to call me , the things she would say, the way her and i talked back and forth making words up or just the weirdest sounds, inside jokes, or just anything really. I have tried to hold it in as much as i can, as i have been out with a friend today named andrew, who has been my best friend since kindergarden i sat there playing a game i love called League of Legends i found myself dying alot more then usual because i had to divert so much attention to stop myself from crying that i couldn’t pay attention to the game. I have tried talking to people about it, and they all say it will get better, give it time, and things like that but i can’t see this getting better. I have a pain in the pit of my stomach and it isn’t because i can’t really even eat any more, I long for her touch, her embrace, her voice to sit there call me a punk or say that i’m bold like she used to, to tell me she loves me and actually make me believe that she does, anything to make this hole in my soul that she left that only she can fill. I’ve wanted to tell her this multiple times and this is only been the 2nd day I don’t know how long I can sit her and not just break down everyday. I miss her like crazy, She was the whole reason that my life was ok and that I was happy,  without her i’m not even miserable i’m plain old depressed. People keep telling me that “there are other fish in the sea” or that i’ll find someone else, I say I doubt it, which is true i’m a 6’3 goofy nerdy white kid who is extremely picky and isn’t that attractive, but for some reason she found something she could love in me and it made me feel on top of the world, she gave me the confidence i needed to do what i wanted and the love and support I needed to continue it through. I don’t think she knew how much I needed her, how much I still need her. This is why i don’t want anyone else i don’t want a new fish. I WANT MY FUCKING FISH. She means the world to me, I would gladly give up every worldly possession I had, every last dollar I posses to be with her again. Time does not heal all wounds, you can ask any person who has loved someone and lost them, you just learn how to deal with the pain. This pain inside me is growing every so quickly every night  I am reminded that she isn’t there, to cuddle me, for me to cuddle her, for her to sleepover and hog my whole bed, steal all the blankets, and make me get possibly the worst sleep i have ever had; but love and cherish every second of it. I just want her.